Emergency: Day 3

We met with our pastor friend in the waiting room of the PICU.  He was checking in on us to see how we were holding up.  My husband brought up some questions about funeral arrangements.

I gave my husband that look, “Don’t you think it’s preemptive of us to talk about it?”

Fabian gave me that look back, like we’ve gone over this already on the drive to the hospital.

But I don’t want to talk about a funeral.  I just want to yell, Why are we talking about a funeral if she’s not dead yet?!  But instead I calmly ask, “Why can’t we talk about it later?” 

“Lynsey, I don’t think you understand,” Fabian explained.  “When Zephy passes, I won’t be able to think straight and probably can’t have these conversations.  I need to find out answers and make decisions now while I can.”

Our pastor was very understanding.  He reminded me that there’s wisdom in that. And just because we talk about it, it doesn’t mean it will happen.

So we sat in the room and asked a few questions. We discussed cremation vs caskets and where we would have the funeral service.  He asked us what we would like.

“I imagine a big photo of Zephy with flowers.” Fabian started to say.  “Lynsey will probably want to make a video.”

“What do you think, Lynsey?” Our pastor asked.

I shook my head and looked far off to the right trying to hold back my tears but I couldn’t.  “It’s just really hard…” I said shaking my head.  “This is the time I’m supposed to be planning Zephy’s 1st birthday and… instead I’m planning her funeral…”

Life can seem so cruel at times.

Our pastor said, “Earlier you made a good point that it’s inevitable that Zephy will pass away but how you spend each day touching her, making her hair, spending time with her, it’s such a blessing.  Each day you have with her is a gift.  She’s been a blessing to so many.”  With a gentle smile he continued, “When you think about it, she can’t even talk and yet she’s spreading the gospel.  That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I nodded.

“This video, you don’t know what you’ll use it for, it doesn’t have to be sad. It’s a celebration of her life, something you would’ve made for her 1st birthday, right?”

I thought about it.  He was right.  The video is a celebration of her life that could look the same whether it was for her birthday or a funeral.  She still might have a 1st birthday, I thought to myself. Or a funeral, I thought again.  I can’t help it.  I don’t know what to think.

I thought about all the things we’ve done with Zephy and how we spent our time with her.  “Yes, I would really like to make a video for Zephy.”

After he prayed for us, we said goodbye to our pastor and headed towards the PICU to spend time with our daughter again.

“Hey little girl!” We exclaimed.  We made the biggest expressions and sang the silliest made up songs. We got right in her face to let her know we’re there.  We kissed her head and her chubby cheeks giving her a “kissy sandwich” with both of us claiming a cheek.  While tickling her foot, we sang songs and ran our fingers through her soft brown hair.

We love our little girl so much.  Each moment with her is such a blessing.

Zephy is in stable condition. Her oxygen is still cranked up but not maxed out. She has a fluid treatment that her body is responding to. She still lays there, unmoving and sedated. To us, it’s almost no different than usual since her limited brain activity and seizure drugs made her already like that. Her CRP (infection) number went down to 14.  Praise God.  They said they want to start feeding her a whopping 5ml! It’s a small amount to see if she can handle it. Her normal is 140ml.  We were really surprised.  But if she can handle it, then that’s good.  She just might pull through this time.  

My husband and I sat in her room and chatted.

I couldn’t stop talking about God.  “I think God is preparing us for Zephy’s funeral.  You know, He always does that.  Like how the thought about moving to Hawaii came months before we actually decided.  Or how I was going to move to Okinawa.  The idea of it came up months before I actually had the opportunity.  God always tells me ahead of time so I can accept it when the real time comes.  I think that’s one of the benefits of walking with God.  What’s that scripture again about the Master telling his servant his plans? Or being a friend of God or something?”

John 15:15

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”

“I think that this is God’s mercy toward us.” I continued.  “Some parents don’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to their little one. But at least God is giving us that. Overall this is an awful situation to be in, but within it, I can see God’s hand and sovereignty helping us walk through it.”

We both agree that the Lord is preparing us.  My husband described it as being on a plane where both engines go out and as the plane goes shooting down, the pilot says, “Brace for impact!”

Even though God is telling us what to prepare for, we both agree that we are not prepared and no parent can ever prepare to lose their child.  And as the plane goes down, we are sick to our stomachs waiting for the moment of impact.

This is a very hard, hard, road.

This verse was on my mind this morning, and I hold on to it during this time.

Lamentations 3:22

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I feel like this song expresses our feelings emotionally and spiritually.